SIDEBAR: How Can Parents Help Their Children Develop Empathy?

Empathy, the ability to put oneself in another person’s place in order to perceive the subjective experience of that person, is recognized by scientists and practitioners alike as an important characteristic of individual and family wellness. Empathy comes from the Greek word “empatheia” meaning “feeling into.” An empathic response is an attempt to recognize and understand the emotions, thoughts, and motives of another person from the inside, not from the outside as an interested observer. As such, an empathic response is one that contains both a cognitive and an affective dimension that requires four conditions: an awareness of the state of being of another, an understanding of the condition, a personal identification with the situation, and an appropriate affective response.

Research on Empathy In the centuries-old “nature vs. nurture” debate, it was widely held that people are either born empathic or not. Recent research, however, has found that people are born with a predisposition to be empathic, but the conditions under which they are raised plays a significant role in the degree and situations empathy will be expressed. Recent findings in studies of empathy have found:

1. Females and males exhibit different types of empathy. Males express an “action-oriented” type of empathy that centers on fixing a problem. Females, on the other hand, express an “emotional-oriented” empathy that centers on processing feelings.

2. Empathy and prosocial behavior increase with age, however, teaching empathy to young people can reduce the differential in empathy between the very young and old.

3. Empathy is coming to be regarded by educators as a key attribute of successful learners.

4. Child abuse and neglect are detrimental to the development of empathy in children.

5. Threats and the use of physical punishment aimed at inducing children to behave properly or as an expression of a parents’ love are negatively correlated with levels of empathy. The more threats and physical punishment are used, the lower the levels of empathy.

How Does Empathy Develop?
In the story, “The Wizard of Oz,” the Tin Man wished for a heart from the Wizard because he felt empty inside. His situation is not unlike many children and adults today who lead lives of emptiness or fill their emptiness with desperate choices of addictions and self-destructive behaviors. Towards the end of the story, the Wizard told the Tin Man that he didn’t know how lucky he was not to have a heart because “hearts were only made to be broken.” Sounds like advice from a Wizard who has his own issues of emptiness to deal with.

Some scientists believe that empathy begins to develop when children are very young. When a one-year-old sees another young child crying, it is often the case that the child observing will begin to cry as well. From this physical imitation of distress, it is thought that children experience the same feeling.

By two years of age, children begin to realize someone else’s feelings differ from their own, and become aware that they are separate from others and will try to soothe a crying child. Late in childhood, advanced empathy emerges: children can understand distress in others beyond the immediate situation. By the teenage years, teens can feel empathy about a social cause, and often demonstrate their concern in dress, demonstrations, rallies, and community service.

Although empathy is our birthright, both in its giving and its receiving, you can help your child to develop stronger empathy (see sidebar). Becoming increasingly aware of your ability to come from a place of empathy in dealings with family members, coworkers, friends, and people on the street and in the check-out line is more than rewarding. It will bring fulfillment and acceptance to your life.

Stephen J. Bavolek, Ph.D. is a recognized leader in the fields of child abuse and neglect treatment and prevention, and parenting education. Born and raised in Chicago, Dr. Bavolek’s professional background includes working with emotionally disturbed children and adolescents in schools and residential settings, and abused children and abusive parents in treatment programs. Juliana Dellinger-Bavolek, M.S.E. is a parent-child training specialist. Find out more at nurturingparenting.com


How Can Parents Help Their Children Develop Empathy?
There are several ways parents can help their children develop a sense of empathy:

1. Use Nurturing Discipline Techniques
Scientists know that the difference in empathy among children has a lot to do with the way they have been disciplined. Hitting, spanking, belittling, criticizing, are all roadblocks to developing empathy. Using nurturing, empathic ways to discipline presented in this handbook is a step in the right direction.

2. Teach Children to Express Their Feelings
Children have the right to express how they feel. What they need to learn are the proper ways to express those feelings. Parents who fail to show empathy to the range of emotions children express by telling them to quit crying, not to be angry, etc., teach children to avoid expressing, and perhaps even feeling certain emotions.

3. Identify and Honor Your Children’s Feelings
When children express an emotion, identify and honor their feeling. An example: Mom: “Julia, you look so sad. Losing your bear is a sad thing.” The result is Julia feels validated because her sadness was validated. Her mom honored the feeling and allowed Julia to accept and deal with her sadness.

4. Model Empathy
When parents model empathy, they are teaching their children the caring way to react when someone else is distressed.

5. Develop Family Morals
Teach children that certain behaviors are morally right and wrong. Scientists now believe that the roots of morality are found in empathy, since empathizing with someone can prevent victimizing that person.

6. Teach Children Responsibility
Help children understand the cause and effect concept of empathy. When children behave a certain way, their behavior sets off a response in someone else. A statement like, “If my father knew I was going to do this, he’d really be disappointed” is an empathic one because the child is concerned about how her dad will feel. Such a response to situations is much better than a child saying, “If my father knew I was going to do this, he’d kill me.” or “.... I’d really get it.” These statements reflect a decision based on fear and do not have long-term positive consequences. Two thoughts we have to share with you about the use of threats. One, it’s an absolute lousy way to raise children.

In the beginning, children will probably respond to the threats, until they get enough of them and begin to resent being treated that way. Parents who act like bullies and threaten their children teach children how to act like bullies. Two, threats don’t mean much because very, very seldom are threats ever carried out. Nothing is as powerful as empathy in learning how to behave. The goal is to have children think ahead to what reaction could occur if they choose to perform a certain behavior.

7. Observe Others
When you’re with your child in a store or watching TV, when appropriate, point out what you observe and ask your child to comment. Dad: “Look at that mom. She hit her son. Why do you suppose she did that? What do you think she’s feeling? What’s the child feeling?”

8. Develop Family Rules
No hitting, and no using hurting touch should be on every family’s list of rules. Parents who care teach children to care.

9. Teach Children to Care for Pets, Plants, and Things
Feeding pets, watering plants, treating toys and other objects with respect are excellent ways to teach empathy. Caring for other forms of life, and for objects, can also reduce the rivalry that can exist between siblings.

10. Point Out Non-Verbal Cues
Teach children to pay attention to the non-verbal cues of others. Since most communication is non-verbal, empathic children are good at interpreting how others feel.

11. Teach Children to Share
Sharing is one of the more important behaviors children learn to accomplish during childhood. It’s difficult for children to share at an early age because they’re struggling between hoarding everything and wanting to please their parents who want them to give their prized possessions up. As children develop their sense of trust in the world, they realize that giving something up is not forever, but temporary. After a short period of time, they’ll get it back.
A couple of things to keep in mind about sharing:
1) Develop a family rule of asking and receiving permission to “borrow” an object that belongs to someone else.
2) Not all things have to be shared. Some things owned
by a child should remain out of the “shared” category. Examples might include favorite clothes and toys. Balancing sole possession with sharing is a good strategy to use.

12. “Do Unto Others.”
Treat your children and others, regardless of their age or abilities, the way you would like to be treated. Modeling empathy is a very powerful way to teach empathy to children.

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