Every child is born with a personality that, depending on environment, is either is given a chance to blossom or to wither. The question that all parents face is, “How do I expand my personality to make room for theirs?”
Unfortunately, breaking down rules and boundaries isn’t the answer. Obviously, giving a child free rein without defining appropriate forms through which they can express, can lead to total chaos inside and outside of the child. That path would make room for expression, but the goal is to make room for healthy expression. It is also important for the parent’s expression to be honored. Unstructured children tend to run over the boundaries that support the parent. The goal is to support your child in being different than you are, not to eliminate you or the child.
Most people feel their choice of politics, country, religion, or even eating, is better than other people’s choices. The consciousness of our world today holds great judgment for anything that is different. How does one change that way of thinking? How do you extend to allow for differences and not lose your own personal space and choices?
You may choose not to have preferences or definitions in your life. This does not necessarily mean you have made room for others’ choices, nor does it make you a bigger person with a bigger space. If you define your space to allow for the healthy choices of another person and for yours to co-exist, both you and the other person will be supported in becoming the script of your original personality.
Let me share an example. I was eating in a restaurant next to a four or five year old and her mother, and overheard their conversation. The mother asked the child why she threw a fit at kindergarten. The child replied simply, “I missed you so much mommy that I cried and cried, and threw a fit.” The wise mother’s response was, “It is okay to miss me, but Mrs. Jones has twenty children to see about, so could you miss me without throwing a fit?” The child said she could, and that was that. This child was being taught that she had a right to miss her mommy, and a right to be herself, but that there were choices that would better fit her and the situation.
Small children aren’t capable of making big life choices, but they can make small ones. By giving your child a choice between two things you begin to recognize their preferences. For example, buy two flavors of juice instead of one. Then give your child a choice. Try branching out a little farther. Let them choose between soymilk and cow’s milk. You may only like one kind of milk, but let your child have a choice that goes beyond your choice. After all, their body chemistry may be entirely different than yours.
I have two granddaughters who are sisters. They are as different as day and night. One’s basic personality holds a lot of recklessness and passion. The other one is reserved and cautious. If my goal was to “bring out” the quiet one or “hold back” the outgoing one, I would be dishonoring the seed in each of them that wants to become its own kind of flower.
Supporting each child in who they are means giving them each rules that fit who they want to become. This means I teach the reserved and cautious one how to relate to others while supporting her reserved and cautious way of doing so. I teach the other one how to be safe while being passionate and reckless. I must always keep in mind that one child’s choice of movies, books, clothes, etc., will be completely different from the other child’s choices.
To begin working with this concept, ask yourself some basic questions about the personality of your child. Write down the answers you discover. Is he or she and introvert or extrovert -- and in what areas? Is he or she more responsive to feelings or tactile experiences? Perhaps you have a child who is definitive with the small details. On the other hand, your child may only be interested in the big picture of what is going on around him or her.
Once your child’s basic personality is known, then describe how he or she interacts with people and things. This will give you a clue about their patterns. For instance, an emotionally responsive child may use crying as their favorite emotional response pattern. As their parent, you could support their emotional sensitivity by teaching them choices of responses such as acting out a feeling through play or speaking their feeling. Just remember, giving them a choice doesn’t mean getting them to do it your favorite way.
I hope that you will start looking at your child as a piece of universal life. Your child is someone who is here to add his or her own kind of beauty to the world, a beauty that is different from yours. Support your child in making choices that fit the personality they were born wearing. Expand your views of life and give up the limitations that block that expansion. I am not here to tell you parenting is easy, but through learning to support your child’s personality, it can be very expanding and fulfilling.
Once you understand everyone needs support in expressing their basic personality, you will begin to find ways to do this. This new way of relating to your child, and to others, may take you out of your comfort zone. You will have to learn to look at the person, not their patterns. If a person’s choice fits their basic personality, it is a good one. If it fits their patterns, it is probably made for the wrong reasons and doesn’t support them in being part of life. Children learn patterns that don’t fit them, just as adults do. Learn to support your children’s person, rather than the patterns, no matter how different the child’s basic personality is from your own.

Jackie Woods is the founder of the Adawehi Healing Center, located in Columbus, NC. She has published several books, articles, tapes, and compact discs addressing various areas of health. She can be contacted on the Internet at www.adawehi.com or by telephone at 828-894-0124.

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