“Every breath you take, every move you make, every smile you fake, I’ll be watching you,” sang Sting back in the ‘80’s. Except, it’s not quite true. We’re not really watching those little signals from others, and, perhaps even more significantly, we’re not paying attention to the movements and signs from our own selves.

Your body language is instant messaging all the time, both to you and to others. While we may not be consciously reading other’s movements, deep inside we know when someone is flirting, or angry, or close-minded, even if our conscious mind denies the information. More importantly, your own body language is constantly feeding back to you. For example, your face is a swiftly changing landscape of expressions that your nervous system constantly interprets. Each smile, frown or raised eyebrow sends a signal that releases hormones—from oxytocin (the cuddle hormone) to adrenaline—racing through you, producing various emotional states. It’s been shown that changing your own body language can not only change how others feel about you but can also change the way you feel about yourself. Whether you’re in a long-term relationship or are still looking for the “right one,” this can be an invaluable tool.

HERE’S SOME BODY MOVEMENTS TO CONSIDER
BREATH
Your breath tells others, as well as your own body, whether you are trapped, need to defend yourself, are in love and much more. Each emotion has a breath pattern as well as a posture and facial expression. The fastest way to tune into your emotional life, as well as to change it, is to tune into your breathing pattern. Here’s an example: Don is a young, hi-tech entrepreneur—super brainy guy who spends a lot of time at his computer. He came to see me because people kept telling him he made them nervous, but he wasn’t sure why. The most prominent aspect I noticed of Don’s demeanor was his breath. He took short, rapid, shallow breaths, followed by a periodic long gasp, very reminiscent of the breath of someone in terror! He had no idea he was doing that, and no one had been able to recognize this habit.

There is a phenomenon called “entrainment” often observed in piano stores. If you hit the “C” of a piano, the other pianos in the store will vibrate in the key of C. Two cells beating at a different speed, in different petri dishes, will eventually begin to beat together. Around Don, people felt stressed and uncomfortable without knowing exactly why; they were “entraining” with his breath pattern.

Take a moment and notice your breath. Sense the air coming into your nostrils and feel the air as it travels over your upper lip, into your nostrils and down your throat. Pay attention to your ribs move as the air goes in and out. Notice that I’m not asking you to change anything. By paying attention to yourself, your body’s intelligence will self-correct without your imposing a pattern.

HOLDING PATTERNS
We’re so accustomed to our tensions we don’t even notice them until they cause pain. Hunched shoulders, a clenched abdomen, even the muscles around your sternum (breastbone) participate in a habitual posture that can tell others “I’m insecure,” “I’m inaccessible” or “I’m angry” and turn them away from you. One way to begin to re-discover a relaxed neutrality that can draw others in is to identify and then exaggerate your holding patterns. That’s right: don’t try to make the patterns go away; intensify them (in the privacy of your own home of course). For example, if you have tense shoulders, hunch them more, hold them like that for 30 seconds, and then let go. This awareness of your pattern will help you each time you’re about to enter a challenging moment, like calling someone for a date or asking a partner for greater commitment.

BUDDHA SMILE
We’re told all the time that we should smile and that it takes more muscles to frown than turn that frown upside down. Yet, we’re also told that people can read a fake smile. When you smile, your posture, your breath and even your internal functioning are affected. Here’s a tip from the Feldenkrais Method®. Instead of forcing a smile, imagine that the corners of your mouth are moving outward toward your ears. Pay attention to your breath as you picture your lips parting slightly. Don’t do it, just picture it. Without effort, your face will change, perhaps just enough to catch the eye of that special someone.

Lavinia Plonka has written two books on body language and is a Guild Certified Feldenkrais Teacher. She is the director of Asheville Movement Center and teaches and provides consulting services internationally. For more information, visit http://www.laviniaplonka.com.

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